Poetic Dad

Hey friends! Welcome it’s my first post! I’m so excited to start this new chapter in my life. I want to share as much as I can, as frequently as I can as well. Today was an amazing day, so I figured why not take that much needed step in starting.

So, where do I begin? Maybe a little back story from me, just to set the tone for this. Well as you already know, I’ am a recently, newly turned single father of two amazing little girls. Well that’s not entirely true, truth be told. I am going through a divorce still and managing through it all.

It’s been a long time coming, I guess. My marriage was struggling for years. Years that unbeknownst to me, were already set up for failure. I say that because in my mind even though we had our issues I thought we were a strong couple that could work out whatever problems may arise. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case for us.

I mean that relationship started off pretty rocky from the start. When we first started to date, back in the day, (hahaha that makes it sound like I’m really old or something.) we were on and off pretty frequently. I had gone through a pretty bad break up prior to meeting her. I thought I was over it, but in hindsight I really wasn’t.

It was a toxic relationship which I thought I was deserving of. Spoiler alert I wasn’t! The toxicity of that, spoiled a good relationship that could’ve been something, before it even had a proper chance to take hold. Don’t get me wrong I’m not bitter. I’ve come a long way from then. It was a hard and arduous road to get here today. None the less it did unraveled a good thing.

No worries! It was a lesson that needed to be learned and ingrained deep in my the soul. Funny, I look back at that and think, was it really necessary to go through all that? I don’t know. But I digress, here we are today, going through a divorce.

Initially it was rough. I wanted to do everything and anything I could possibly think of to stop the divorce. I wanted to prevent it at all cost. I wasn’t ready to let go, I was deeply in love and didn’t think I could move on from it. Even though I was laughing in the picture above (which isn’t shown.) I was in a deep state of pain. Losing weight with out wanting too, like it was just something I had to do. Was not ideal it’s actually pretty unhealthy (don’t recommend, by the way!). I was not hungry and hardly eating, basically a recipe for disaster just waiting to happen.

I was lucky enough though! The only thing I had to deal with was a bad bout of gout in my knee. I guess the rapid loss of weight wasn’t really great, who would’ve known right (sigh…). I’m not going to lie I fell into a deep depression. Contemplating things I never thought were ever going to pop in my head. It’s actually quite scary to think of that.

I went through a rough patch in life, needless to say. The depression got pretty heavy. I was losing the sense of worth in myself and I really didn’t how to bring it back. Poetry was my outlet during all of it. But before I delve into the role of poetry during this period. I’ll explain just what it meant to me and how I found my voice.

Poetry has always been a big part of me. It was something I could turn to, to express myself with. Not that I couldn’t express myself, it just felt natural with poetry. I used to write a lot when I was younger. Some how I lost it along the way. Years later, I turned to it again. The difference now is I write at least one poem a day, but I write everyday. I love poetry, just the expressive nature of poetry is sublime and exquisite.

Ethan Hawke sums it up best in this Ted talk. Have a listen, hopefully it inspires you the way it inspired me.

So, because I was going through a hard time where I couldn’t make sense of any of it or bring meaning to it. Poetry just naturally became my source of letting it all out. “It” being the way I was feeling, thinking, and what I wanted to say but couldn’t. I had gone to many places within my poetry, I won’t lie initially it was pretty dark and gloomy. Poems of feeling unworthy, of feeling less than, and just questioning what I was doing with my life. But, in that same sense of sadness, through poetry I found beauty and gratitude. I had to change my outlook on how I wanted to express myself. I mean there isn’t anything wrong with sad or gloomy poetry, I just didn’t want my whole focus to be on that.

I’ve been through a lot to get here today. I am grateful for everything even the bad. It’s all been a lesson that I needed to learn. I mean, I didn’t want to learn this lesson, but I finally gave in. I’m still learning, it really is a constant changing and evolving experience. The experience of life. So, lets walk through this experience together and see where it will lead us…

Lifting Myself Up…

In the depths of this cavernous abyss,

where sorrows and woes persist.

I fight to stay afloat, though thoughts intrude,

anchoring me down in this solitude.

Lost and powerless, amidst the gloom,

even reasons to fight seem consumed.

Yet, little souls need me, unseen looking in the mirror,

though in their eyes, my reflection gleams.

I search for an escape from this internal mess,

shaping me in ways I can’t confess.

I refuse to surrender, seeking the glimmer within,

like a phoenix, I’ll rise, resilient once again.

Though the journey is fraught, I’m not alone,

hope resides within, brightly shown.

Brighter days await beyond the despair,

I’ll overcome, with courage to spare.

I’m not religious, yet in darkness,

I pray, for fears to fade, for strength to stay.

Opening myself to the divine’s will, hoping it guides me,

and fortifies me with love and kindness towards myself.

For amidst the chaos, I find Solace in this truth,

I’m not alone.

I will rise once again.

In pursuit of my soul’s graceful youth…